My Ukulele (The Naked Sessions)

by Melissa Dinwiddie

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I was lookin' for a love to call my own, One that won't leave me hangin' by the phone. I've been on a lot of dates and I've kissed a lot of frogs And I've come to the conclusion that most men are dogs. Finding a good one is something of a fluke, But I've found a solution: I got me a uk- u-lele, keeps me up all night My ukulele makes me feel all right. My little ukulele never leaves me feeling lonely or sad (so I'm sorry, boys, but) My ukulele might just be the best love I've ever had! My ukulele feels so good in my arms And never gets seduced by other women's charms. All I have to do is tickle his strings, And he whispers in my ear the sweetest little things. And though he doesn't have any hands or a tongue, When I'm wearing a strap my uke is really well hung! My ukulele makes me feel so good. My ukulele's got really nice wood! My little ukulele never leaves me feeling unsatisfied (how many guys can you say that about?) My ukulele might just be the best love I've ever tried! Now it's true my ukulele doesn't drive a nice car, Never takes me out dancin', or out to a bar, But that's okay by me, 'cause we do other things. My ukulele might be small but he can make me sing! My ukulele knows just how to make me hum, And if you're a guy, you could learn a lot from... My ukulele puts a smile on my face. My ukulele always lets me set the pace. And though my ukulele's nowhere near as big as my guitar, We can have a lot more fun in the back of my car! I think I'll bring my ukulele home to meet my mom and dad, 'Cause my ukulele might just be the best love I've ever had! ©2010 Melissa Dinwiddie
I need a vacation, Away from email, faxes and phone. I need a vacation, I wanna be someplace that’s not home. I wanna get away from the daily grind And if I don’t go soon I’m gonna lose my mind, because I need a vacation! I’ve been workin’ too hard for too long. I need a vacation, So I can stay up as late as I want. Unplug the alarm clock, My only goal is to have me some fun. I wanna sleep in late, have breakfast in bed Then maybe read a book or take a nap instead, because I need a vacation! I’ve been workin’ too hard for too long. I need a vacation, Someplace warm, with a tropical breeze, With white, sandy beaches, And lots of handsome cabana boys, please! I wanna sip my drink from a cocoanut shell, While I lie out on the beach. My boss can go to hell, because I need a vacation! I’ve been workin’ too hard for too long. Tag: I need a vacation! I’ve been workin’ too hard for too long. (x2)
First verse You went out on a date, You think he’s really great. He hasn’t called; you don’t know what to do. Perhaps he’s sick, or maybe busy, But ask yourself girl, really, is he? Truth is he’s just not that into you! That cute guy at your gym For months you’ve pined for him. You laugh and flirt and smile, and he does too. You like each other, there’s no doubt, But if the guy won’t ask you out, Face it, he’s just not that into you! A man’s a simple creature, it’s really not that hard To figure out an answer, no or yes. Here’s a little secret that may catch you off guard: A guy who’s into you won’t make you guess! He calls you on the phone To see if you’re alone. He drops by for an hour, or maybe two. You start to wonder is this all, Or are you just a booty call? Girlfriend, he’s just not that into you! Second verse You never thought you’d weather So many years together. You wonder if you’ll ever say “I do.” But he says even with a halter You’ll never drag him to the altar, Which tells me he’s just not that into you! You’re crazy mad about him, You just can’t live without him, Though he has other lovers, quite a few. He says he just can’t stick with one. My advice to you is “Run!” ‘Cause this one, he’s just not that into you! Girls, why do we settle for anything that’s less Than everything we know that we deserve? You tell me that you love him, and yet you still confess, You’d leave him if you only had the nerve! You had a little fling. You knew he wore a ring, But that’s okay, he swears he loves you too. You know you’d have the perfect life If he would only leave his wife… Wake up! He’s just not that into you! TAG: You’ll be better in the long run, Just accept that he’s the wrong one! Girlfriend, he’s just not that into you! copyright ©2008 Melissa Dinwiddie
Late one night you're all alone at your machine, suddenly a website appears on your screen (it's a dating site.. you know the kind) you think "What have I got to lose?" ($29.99 a month, it turns out) That's how it starts, you've got the Online Dating Blues So you type in your credit card to start shopping for men You check off what you're looking for: handsome, rich and thin. Only 3 guys pop up. And honestly, if you had to choose (maybe being single isn't so bad after all) That's how it goes, you've got the Online Dating Blues (CHORUS): You check your mailbox in the morning, you stay up late at night. You know you should be working, but instead you're on the site Reading profiles, and checking email every hour for any news That's how it goes, you've got the Online Dating Blues Now you've browsed 3 dozen profiles & you're starting to wonder Why all of the men your age want someone 15 YEARS YOUNGER! It's enough to make a girl just wanna give up and go out shopping for shoes (time for a little retail therapy) That's when you know you've got the Online Dating Blues You decide to take a gamble, so you email 7 guys. Your ego takes a beating when NOT ONE OF THEM REPLIES! It's like playing the slots in Vegas: most of the time you lose (But you keep trying for that jackpot!) That's how it goes, you've got the Online Dating Blues! Now you're deep in correspondence, the best you've had in years You start to get your hopes up, but the guy JUST DISAPPEARS! (He won't return your emails or your phone calls, it's like he handed you a Rubik's Cube... now you're obsessing, driving yourself crazy trying to figure it out) That's how it goes, you've got the Online Dating Blues! (CHORUS) Now you finally got a date, but when he walks in the door, You realize his pictures are from 20 POUNDS AGO! (And he wasn't a stringbean then... ) I guess it's just called "paying your dues" (This kind of thing happens to everyone online eventually..) tag: That's how it goes, you've got the Online Dating.. (x2) That's how it goes, you've got the Online Dating Blues! copyright ©2009 Melissa Dinwiddie
Eye Candy 03:19
Eye Candy is my favorite treat. No calories, but tasty and sweet. It's rude to stare, though, so please be discreet Whenever you meet Eye Candy Eye Candy, that guy's such a hottie; Just to look at him makes me feel naughty. Eye Candy—I can't look away. Don't care if he's gay Eye Candy! Scientists say that it's just not true That happiness is greater for the beautiful few. But I have to admit, between you and me, Given a choice, I'd still rather be delicious... Eye Candy: the Beautiful Peeps Have to deal with all the crazies and creeps. There are advantages to not being one, No one assumes you're just dumb Eye Candy -- Eye Candy. Hollywood knows Eye Candy is what gets you to shows. You'll tolerate a terrible plot, As long as it's got Eye Candy. Eye Candy is subjective, it's true. What's hot to me may not be to you. Brangelina doesn't do it for me, But to you she might be– I mean, to you he might be– I mean, to you it might be Eye Candy. There's a multi-billion dollar industry That profits off of folks like you and me Who spend all our time and energy And hard-earned cash just tryin' to be Somebody's.. Eye Candy, we're wired that way. If you think about it, you're here today (because a) Long, long time ago your dad saw your mom And said "Om-nom-nom -- Eye Candy!" I want summa that Eye Candy Can't get enough Eye Candy Everyone loves Eye Candyyyyy! copyright ©2011 Melissa Dinwiddie
It sucks being single at Christmas, When everyone else is in pairs. You dread going home where your dad and your mom Will lament that you still have no heirs. (No heirs! And they never tire of telling you that all of their friends have grandchildren by now!) You're the object of everyone's pity. They assume that you can't get a date. You feel like you're cursed! If you're Jewish, it's worse, 'Cause instead of just one night, there's eight— Happy Chanukkah! (And in case you didn't know, Chanukkah is not the Jewish equivalent of Christmas. In fact, it's a very minor holiday on the Jewish calendar, And the only reason it's made a big deal of in America Is because of it's proximity to Christmas. And we Jews get a little touchy about that subject. And the only reason I'm using it in this song Is for the comedic value.) You avoid your company's party, Or just make an appearance, then leave. You feel like a freak and there's less than three weeks To find a date for New Year's Eve! (The Superbowl of date nights.) It sucks being single at Christmas. There's really not much more to say. But you'd better act fact, 'cause there's one thing that's worse: Being single on Valentine's Day! (National Make Single People Feel Bad Day) It sucks being single at Christmas With less than two months till Valentine's Day! copyright ©2009 Melissa Dinwiddie
For J 01:32


At the end of 2011, I managed to score four hours of free studio time, so I grabbed my ukulele and recorded these tracks. Just me and my ukulele. Stripped down. Bare. Hence the tongue-in-cheek title, "the naked sessions."

I have visions of a more fully fleshed-out (ahem) album, with more tracks, and more instrumentation, but in the meantime, here's me, unplugged (if not technically undressed), intimate, cosy. Pretty much the way I'd sound if you were to hire me for a private concert. (And yes, I am available for house concerts, but only when all parties are fully clothed.)



released August 6, 2012

Melissa Dinwiddie - vox, ukulele

Engineered, mixed and mastered by Erik Lehmer at Ex'pression College for Digital Arts, (With gratitude to Martha Burdick-Mohr for making the introduction!)


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Melissa Dinwiddie

Is this jazz, folk, or comedy? Performer (& “Uke-Diva”) Melissa Dinwiddie is a winning combination of all three. Inspired by the absurdities of modern life, Dinwiddie crafts songs evocative of the Great American Songbook but dealing with 21st Century themes. She has an ear for a witty turn of phrase, and her vocal chops and improvisational comic timing delight audiences of all ages. ... more

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